From the files of Things I’ve Never Done...

Yes, there are such things, but no, I do not actually keep a file of them. So, I guess that would be the first thing in this non-existent file—that I’ve never kept a file of things I haven’t done. Confused now? Me too. I’ll see if I can get back on track.

Recently, I was reminded, while watching an unfortunate woman trying unsuccessfully to hail a cab in a pouring down rain, that I’ve never ridden in a taxi. Really! How did I get to be as old as I am without ever riding in a cab? Well, part of the answer is, I don’t live in a big city, and while we do have taxis in our town, they’re hardly anyone’s ride of choice. Another, and more pertinent reason is ever since I was 16, I’ve had my own vehicle. If I’m going to pay for a car, repairs, insurance, tires, gas, and oil, in order to use my car, I certainly have no desire to pay even more to take a taxi. Besides, I like to drive. After over two and a half million miles in a semi-truck, I’d much rather it be me behind the wheel instead of someone I don’t know. I’ve heard stories about taxi drivers! So, I’ve never ridden in a taxi.

I can’t say however, that I’ve never considered it. In fact, I came pretty close once. On a trip to Nashville, I needed a ride from the airport to the hotel for a convention I was attending. My meetings would keep me busy all weekend so once downtown, I really wouldn’t need to go anywhere. Normally, hotels provide a shuttle service but my arrival was long after the shuttle service had shut down for the evening. And since I’m not really into public transportation a city bus was out. Hitchiking was not an option either. It seemed like a taxi would be the best plan.

Except, I knew that taxis are notoriously expensive so, rather than be hit with an unwelcome surprise at two in the morning, where my disgruntled self could lead to trouble in the airport, I called a couple of taxi companies before leaving home. Good thing too! I found the cost, for a ride from the airport to the hotel, would be $50.00. That, I quickly decided, was insane. $50.00 for a one-way trip of barely ten miles? And, three days later, I would need a ride back to the airport—another $50.00 I presumed. In addition, I’m told cabbies expect a tip. I was certain I could find better ways to spend my hundred plus dollars.

And I did. I rented a car. That cost me $115.00. I know, about the same amount as the taxi would have cost. But, I had a car at my disposal for the three days, and I got to be the one driving me around!

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention; the color of the car I rented was... bright yellow!

I’ve mentioned before that I like to do things myself rather than pay someone else to do them. As a jack of all trades, I wear a lot of hats. Some would say, Jack of all trades, master of none. That’s okay. I don’t have to be a master at everything. As long as I can do it well enough to work, that’s all that matters. Admittedly, sometimes, there is a learning curve associated with such an approach.

I’ve been told that it would be easier, and faster, to just call a professional. Well, the way I look at it is, even the professional had to learn. And if they can learn the job, whatever it is, then so can I. I may not be as skilled or proficient as a pro but, I can usually get the job done, and done right.

And all of this is why I haven’t paid for a haircut in more than twenty years. I just cut it myself. I used to go to a shop, but it always bugged me to pay for something so simple. So, one day, I grabbed a pair of scissors and started snipping. I found it wasn’t that difficult.

Except this was back when I was a lot younger. Back then, my hair had to be close to perfect, which meant feathered and styled. I learned pretty fast how to make it look right although those first few haircuts did not exactly turn out the best! But, as my dad used to tell me, the difference in a good haircut and a bad one is about three days. (He used to cut his own hair too). He was right, as usual.

Eventually, I got tired of the hour or more a haircut took and purchased a set of clippers. Wasting time is one of my biggest pet peeves. Now, a haircut takes about five minutes—unless I’m in a hurry, then I can shave off a minute or so. And this method is much easier. I just buzz all my hair off and then let it grow out. Fewer haircuts now, too. Not sure why I wasted all that time cutting my hair every two weeks when I was younger. Proving I could do it, I suppose. But why it mattered is still a bit of a mystery. It’s not like anyone ever saw it. Then, as now, I’m usually wearing a hat.

Bruce A. Borders is the author of more than a dozen books, including: Inside Room 913, Over My Dead Body, The Journey, Miscarriage Of Justice, and The Wynn Garrett Series. Available in ebook and paperback on iTunes, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and Smashwords, or at www.bruceabordersbooks.weebly.com. Amazon Profile - http://www.amazon.com/Bruce-A.-Borders/e/B006SOLWQS. Bruce A. Borders also serves as the Vice-President of Rave Reviews Book Club.

A few years ago, when my wife told me about a free puppy that we could acquire, I was excited. We already had a dog but I love dogs so two would be twice the fun, right? And free? Who could say no to that?

The next day when I came home from work, the little furry friend was there. From the start, he was a loveable creature; cuddly, adorable, and cute—though somewhat needy too. Also from the start, we discovered he was a bit of a mischievous troublemaker. He didn’t chew up things or claw on the furniture like you’d expect a puppy to do. No, his antics were more devious in nature. He’d unroll the toilet paper, steal papers from my office—just so we would chase him—or, one of his favorite misdeeds; taking my socks. Ironically, we had already named him Rascal. I guess he was simply trying to live up to that name.

And as we’ve come to learn, he evidently has a steel-lined stomach. He’s no longer a puppy and should know better, but he will eat anything, food or not. You want examples? Okay. Here’s just a few. He has eaten the shavings from the pencil sharpener, a two-foot length of string, copper wire, crushed red peppers (foil packet and all), electrical tape, and anything made of plastic, apparently that’s a delicacy in his world. As you can imagine sometimes his diet necessitates a trip to the vet.

I know a lot of dogs detest going to the vet but not Rascal. And he’s had an inordinate number of visits, including three surgeries, two of them major and perhaps life saving. So as a result, the dog has developed a strong affinity for the Veterinarian. And vice-versa. The doctor seems to adore Rascal. It’s like they are members of the canine/veterinarian mutual admiration society. Sometimes I wonder if my dog does things on purpose just so he can go to the vet.

This past week, Rascal again ate something he shouldn’t have, which required yet another trip to the vet. But, it’s no longer the same doctor. That guy has retired. And Rascal doesn’t particularly care for the new doctor. That’s a little sad. But—fingers crossed—hopefully now, he’ll stop doing things that require so many veterinarian visits. This has turned out to be a fairly expensive free dog!

Bruce A. Borders is the author of more than a dozen books, including: Inside Room 913, Over My Dead Body, The Journey, Miscarriage Of Justice, and The Wynn Garrett Series. Available in ebook and paperback on iTunes, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, and Smashwords, or at www.bruceabordersbooks.weebly.com. Amazon Profile - http://www.amazon.com/Bruce-A.-Borders/e/B006SOLWQS. Bruce A. Borders also serves as the Vice-President of Rave Reviews Book Club.

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When my kids were little, they had a cassette tape of Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen singing fun children’s music. I guess we still have the tape floating around the house somewhere, though I haven’t seen it in years. They listened to it a lot and knew the songs very well. One of those songs was called, Peanut Butter.

You may have heard of the song; it was an old Rock-n-Roll hit first recorded in 1961 by the Marathons (The Vibrations). The version on my kids’ tape was a little different than the original, re-written into a children’s song. It talked about the many virtues of peanut butter as a versatile food. The uses are seemingly endless. The “hook,” or main line of the chorus is, “Chunky peanut butter too!”

We all sang along with the song but every time we’d get to that last line, I’d change it to, “Chocolate Peanut butter too!” I did it just to rile up my kids—and it worked! “Dad!” they’d all say. Followed by, “That’s not what the song says!” Or, “That’s the wrong word!” And they’d usually make sure to point out that there is no such thing as chocolate peanut butter.

Yeah, well, I beg to differ. While at the grocery store a couple of weeks ago, I saw an end of the aisle display for, you guessed it, Chocolate Peanut Butter! And apparently, it wasn’t a new product. Although I’d never seen it before, according to a quick Google search (and as probably everyone else is aware), it’s been around for years.

That was good to know because, I also used to tell my children that their father was always right—no matter what they believed to be true; dad was always right. Well, as you can imagine, they only bought that for a short while. Once they got older, all three took great pleasure in proving me wrong—or trying.

So, I just thought I’d point out to each of them, and everyone else reading this, that despite what they may have thought at the time, I was in fact, right!

Now, let’s all go enjoy some peanut butter. Chocolate peanut butter!

Bruce A. Borders is the author of more than a dozen books, including: Inside Room 913, Over My Dead Body, The Journey, Miscarriage Of Justice, and The Wynn Garrett Series. Available in ebook and paperback on iTunes, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Diesel Books, and Smashwords, or at www.bruceabordersbooks.weebly.com. Amazon Profile - http://www.amazon.com/Bruce-A.-Borders/e/B006SOLWQS. Bruce A. Borders also serves as the Vice-President of Rave Reviews Book Club.

Is a candy bar tax deductible? Perhaps. Depends on why it was purchased and what was done with it. For me, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t wining and dining anyone. That just doesn’t sound like me. Fairly convinced I didn’t give it away as charity either. Pretty sure I ate it. So, I’m thinking it’s probably not deductible.

But other items on the receipt are. Maybe. I’m never sure until I go through the items one by one, deciphering the store’s shorthand and non-standard abbreviations to determine what the product is. Once everything has been identified, it’s usually not too difficult to decide what’s tax deductible and what is not.

As I’m sure you guessed, I’ve been busy doing taxes. Sorting through a year’s worth of receipts and statements. For hours. Adding numbers. And then re-adding the same numbers. Hoping to come up with the same total at least twice. Of course, it doesn’t help when I discover I’ve included something I shouldn’t have. Or, placed it in the wrong category. Or, worse, take a break for a few minutes and find two more receipts.

Actually, now that we have computers to do our adding and virtually everything else these days, it’s far easier to tackle jobs like this. I guess you could say taxes are less taxing than they once were. The computer can take care of all the math; the adding, the subtracting, the re-figuring, etc. And, accurately too!

Unfortunately, that accuracy is totally dependant on what is entered. And when a human is entering the numbers, there’s always room for error. Especially, when that human is me. (Yes, despite the assertions of some, I assure you, I am quite human).

So, I spend a lot of time double checking; comparing what is on the screen with the paper on my desk. And then, I spend even more time correcting things. But, I figure it’s worth it. I’ve heard the IRS doesn’t have much of a sense of humor about inaccuracies in tax returns. Mistakes are not viewed as an acceptable excuse for a failure to pay the correct amount of tax due.

All in all, the project hasn’t been too time consuming. What’s a few hours of my time? Or days? I’ll just consider it my patriotic contribution. That doesn’t make the idea of paying my taxes any easier but it does make it slightly less frustrating.

Thankfully, I’m almost done. Probably would’ve been finished by now but I had to take a few minutes to write this blog post! So, I gave up for the night. There’s always tomorrow. Right now, it seems I’m hungry. Apparently, I worked up an appetite. Think I’ll remedy that with a candy bar!

Bruce A. Borders is the author of more than a dozen books, including: Inside Room 913, Over My Dead Body, The Journey, Miscarriage Of Justice, and The Wynn Garrett Series. Available in ebook and paperback on iTunes, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Kobo, Diesel Books, and Smashwords, or at www.bruceabordersbooks.weebly.com. Amazon Profile - http://www.amazon.com/Bruce-A.-Borders/e/B006SOLWQS. Bruce A. Borders also serves as the Vice-President of Rave Reviews Book Club.